Uncensored retorts

 

I have this collection of uncensored retorts sent in by readers and some I wish I had said myself. This is part 3, you can find part one here and part two here.

Things we would say aloud if we didn’t have to constantly filter:

• In response to constant whiners – Who the f**k died and left you custodian of the world’s problem?

• Procrastinators – Stop f***ing around and just get on with it already.

• To sympathy mongers – do I look like I care? is my face not reflecting my true feelings for your problems yet?

• To constant loaners – do I look like a bank to you? this ATM is closed, the branch is closed, in fact this bank just went out of business.

• People who complain about food –
  • “eat up, God knows there’s enough people in the world who aren’t even getting this”.
  • If you don’t like it, why didn’t you just cook yourself?

• Men who imply PMS’ing as the reason for female irritation
  • Nope, we just have allergic reaction to assholes.
  • That? that’s just a spontaneous reaction to your bullshit.

• People who say things like “you have changed” in an accusatory tone:
  • I am playing by new rules now.
  • Oh yeah, my level of tolerance for your BS just hit zero.
  • Finally!

• The minute you hit your 20’s, all your friends relationship goals are to get or stay married. Our relationship goal?
  • to be able to fart in front of my beau and I can’t wait for five years of marriage & a kid to be able to do that.
  • to eat what I want, when I want, wherever I want without worrying about getting the food on the furniture.
  • To walk around the house, naked, with my tummy sticking out without worrying about looking good to another person.

• When people ask about relationship status –
  • in love with my bed, I can hardly wait to get back to it at the end of every day.
  • in a relationship with myself. I still haven’t figured this one out.
  • why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?
  • divorced – I finally scored the “get out of jail” card.
  • Why would I want to deliberately dedicate my life to the whims of an over-grown toddler/damsel in distress?
  • I haven’t found a NOT mama’s boy yet.

• To so-called friends who only turn up to hold pity parties – “oh, are we holding a pity-party here? I didn’t know that. So excuse me while I freely dis-invite myself from it”.

What would you say if you didn’t have to filter out your knee-jerk reactions?