Uncensored retorts

 

I have this collection of uncensored retorts sent in by readers and some I wish I had said myself. This is part 3, you can find part one here and part two here.

Things we would say aloud if we didn’t have to constantly filter:

• In response to constant whiners – Who the f**k died and left you custodian of the world’s problem?

• Procrastinators – Stop f***ing around and just get on with it already.

• To sympathy mongers – do I look like I care? is my face not reflecting my true feelings for your problems yet?

• To constant loaners – do I look like a bank to you? this ATM is closed, the branch is closed, in fact this bank just went out of business.

• People who complain about food –
  • “eat up, God knows there’s enough people in the world who aren’t even getting this”.
  • If you don’t like it, why didn’t you just cook yourself?

• Men who imply PMS’ing as the reason for female irritation
  • Nope, we just have allergic reaction to assholes.
  • That? that’s just a spontaneous reaction to your bullshit.

• People who say things like “you have changed” in an accusatory tone:
  • I am playing by new rules now.
  • Oh yeah, my level of tolerance for your BS just hit zero.
  • Finally!

• The minute you hit your 20’s, all your friends relationship goals are to get or stay married. Our relationship goal?
  • to be able to fart in front of my beau and I can’t wait for five years of marriage & a kid to be able to do that.
  • to eat what I want, when I want, wherever I want without worrying about getting the food on the furniture.
  • To walk around the house, naked, with my tummy sticking out without worrying about looking good to another person.

• When people ask about relationship status –
  • in love with my bed, I can hardly wait to get back to it at the end of every day.
  • in a relationship with myself. I still haven’t figured this one out.
  • why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?
  • divorced – I finally scored the “get out of jail” card.
  • Why would I want to deliberately dedicate my life to the whims of an over-grown toddler/damsel in distress?
  • I haven’t found a NOT mama’s boy yet.

• To so-called friends who only turn up to hold pity parties – “oh, are we holding a pity-party here? I didn’t know that. So excuse me while I freely dis-invite myself from it”.

What would you say if you didn’t have to filter out your knee-jerk reactions?

Part 2: Tongue in cheek retorts

This is a continuation of the previous post – Part 1: Tongue in cheek retorts. I received so many entries that had to break the post into two to accommodate them all 🙂 Enjoy!

Btw, here’s the latest from the IT help desk, cracked me up again and with each reading it got funnier.

Dear mister Khan,

That is not exactly an issue, but a known problem.
At the moment there is nothing we can do about it.

You can press “OK” and refreshing the page ( F5 ) will be enough.

Kind regards,

Service center

• Bengalies often ask me,, ‘Why aren’t you married? I have some perspective,, I can find you a nice guy,, ”
  My answer usually is a smile,, but I’m saying to myself,,,
  • There are Gazzilions of Bengalies exist,, Am I the last offspring of Dinosaurs, that Imma extinct soon,, therefore, I must reproduce??
  • Yeah,, I could be a offspring of the Bengali Tigers.. for sure !
• Being complimented with words like ‘sexy’, ‘hot’ etc. from random people who behave like they are paying you the ‘biggest’ compliment ever and you should roll over in excitement/happiness/gratitude…
  • Too hot to handle – for you – move on
  • “roll eyes” & wonder if the skull houses a brain
  • “deikkhai shanti”

• Random people who send you CV’s that are used to broker ‘arranged’ marriages
  • All the reactions listed above and then some (plus an auto-gag reflex)
• Random people, you have never met or spoken to, sends you CV’s  then hound you to find them a job
  • Not running an employment agency here
  • No one is hiring stupid…. when someone does, I will inform you.
• People you have never met, sends you messages titled “dear friend” and then a long-winded monologue that results in whatever else they want from you with a pathetic reason as to why you should comply with their request.
  • This ain’t a ‘dharamshala’ .. this is not a ‘charity’
  • I think I know ‘who’ my friends are.. and they are certainly not people I have never met
  • If you can’t say it simple with a compelling reason to comply, don’t bother at all
  • Using big words, only makes you seem stupider…. as if the ‘greeting’ wasn’t stupid enough
• People who think they have grown too big for their boots
  • Better watch that ego, I might ‘accidentally’ bruise it
  • Ain’t no one shown you the ‘highway’ yet?
  • Buddy, take a hike and just keep on walking.
• Men overdosing on testosterone
  • Where’s your cave?
  • You lose your way in the jungle?
  • So what did you hunt today?
  • someone stuck a bamboo up your ass or what?
• Women overdosing on hormones
  • Woman, you missed your calling on the stage
  • Oh you would’ve been fantastic in ‘so & so’ hindi serial
  • What’s up with being so passive aggressive?
• Men who live in the ‘foreign’ land and think that their passports/non-resident status are enough to draw the girls in hordes. Case in point, messages like ‘I live in USA, can we be friends?’
  • I live in Mars, I don’t think we are compatible
  • Why? They ran out of friends in the USA?
  • Got plenty of friends thank you… don’t need a weirdo from wherever you are.
• Comments and messages that start with “I don’t want to annoy you but…”
  • Dude, you are already annoying me
  • If you don’t want to annoy, why start?
  • Move on….

Ahhhh… gotta love them… sarcastic retorts &  humor at their best 😀

Part 1: Tongue in cheek retorts

I have always wondered, how in a country of 160 million people cramped into a tiny piece of land, we manage to get by without killing each other constantly. I think I might have found the answer. It seems that we as a nation have  honed the art of sarcasm, essentially defusing tense circumstances. Most retorts in Bangla are hilarious, but the hilarity is lost in translation, without the cultural context that is conveyed in the tone and the specific choice of words.

I have had to learn to curb the urge to retort back in most professional settings, yet sometimes, it’s just too tempting. Like a few days ago, when I had a very interesting interaction with a so-called tech guy. I had called a help desk and conversation went something like this:

“Can you check if the internet connection is working?”

A pause and then I get the following advise:

“Yeah it’s working, all the sites you are trying to reach are down”

The retorts that ran through my head ……

“ALL the sites are down???”

“How do you know which sites I was trying to access?”

“How the hell did you ever qualify for this job?”

So this lead to the following post on my FB:

A shout out to all my people here, I am putting together a blog post on all the things that annoy me and bring out the ‘sarcastic’ me. You know all those tongue in cheek responses to ‘stupidity’ that my usual “diplomatic” self refrains from spitting out.

So I have been putting together this list & I got to thinking I am sure a lot of you can add a lot more to this list of things that makes you groan, roll your eyes, hit yourself in the face, wonder what the hell was going on in the other person’s head..

So wanna share? 😉 if you don’t want to publicly post it, send me a msg and I’ll add yours to the list & keep you anonymous

 

Hence this list of things that bring up the sarcasm … feel free to add on 🙂 (some of the retorts are priceless in Bangla and translation doesn’t do them justice, so I’ll include both)

• People who jostle you from behind in a queue.
  • ‘Amar ga er upor uthe apni koto duur agaben?’ – if you climb over me, how far are you going to go?
  • ‘please shore daran na hole guard k deke apnar be ijjot korabo’ – please stand apart, before I call the guard to teach you some manners.
• When I go shop something, say a sweater, I will definitely find just one type in all the shops I hop in. I am particularly pissed off by the copy-cat attitude and lack of creativity in Bangladeshi manufacturers, lack of variety, whatever the product may be
  • “I am not just as good as the rest of the 160 million to have this “substance”, I am the one with a cheesy taste, do you have something for ghetto people like me?”
  • “amar fashion sense eto unnoto na..apnar kase puran kisu ase” I am not a fashionista, so do you have something that’s out of fashion?
• When Indian call centres make their employees use western names.
  • What, we don’t have Asians here?
• When someone (repeatedly) asks to borrow money
  • Yeah, I only work hard to earn enough to keep lending you money.
• With “pachelokekibolbe situations” – With situations, where people say things like “what will other people think/say?”
  • “Ami tar-ta khai, na pori, chudlam na tare!” I don’t give a fuck what they think, they neither feed me nor clothe me.
• When people have a problem with me,
  • “Its not my problem, its yours.”
• When some one attempts to provide “unwelcome” advice,
  • “Dure jae mor!”  go far away and die
  • OR “Tui amar maa na baap? Taile tham!”Are you my parents? then stop!
• When rickshaw or any other vehicle riding through the wrong side of the road and making us move to make his way
  • what kind of education did you get?
  • “eita ki tor baper rasta?” does this road belong to your dad?
• Random connection requests from people on LinkedIn with messages like “you have the best profile picture here”.
  • If I wanted random hook-ups, I would be on a dating site instead of a professional networking site
  • Are you mistaking LinkedIn for Tinder?

More retorts coming up in the next post 🙂