Edge of the cliff
I have stood here, at the edge of the cliff a million times before. At the edge of darkness, of madness, looking into the dark depth of the human soul. The selfishness & greed that drives people to treat humans like objects and objects like precious possessions. Conventional wisdom fails me. I don’t get how any body can be that inconsiderate or self-centered to justify or rationalize their behavior or conduct. It sickens me, angers me…. My head is on fire, full of disgust & icky feelings. Some people I would rather puke on, then be polite to.
Yet I can’t.
I was brought up in a way that certain teachings (right or wrong) were drummed into me from a very young age. I am the eldest, so I will have to be extra-vigilant, forgiving, loving, giving. I am born a woman, so nurturing is expected of me. I am expected to give and to keep on giving long after I have sold my soul & emptied my coffers.
I am expected to jump through hoops, to endure trial by fire, to be considered worthy. My value & how much I will be found worthy of love depends on me, on how many tests I pass. How much I can endure & then some more.
Last week we were on a field trip and I met girls married off as early as 12 and told to start producing kids so they can settle into the new family. I have talked to girls who needed emergency medical care but their concerns were brushed aside with comments like… Woman have been having children just fine since the dark ages.
There’ something really fucked up in this world when we demand & coarse children into having more children. When the permanence of a marriage depends on her ability to produce heirs for the family line to continue. Children who go on to become her responsibility to feed, clothe & care for, while her husband washes his hands off the rigors of child rearing.
There’s something fucked up about the mentality that your worthiness in the eyes of your own parents, siblings become directly correlated with your ability to put up with abusive relationship in order to remain married in the eyes of the society. Of when relationships are acknowledged, measured & valued based on the size of your cash contribution to fill everyone’s need but your own.
At the edge of the cliff I look deeply into the human soul & I hear a soft voice saying ‘no more’. I am done. I have walked away & walked into peaceful existence. There is no place for your filthy, selfish ways anymore. I do not have a moment more to waste on you and neither do I want to. Your chapters in the book of my life are over.
I am looking outward now, into the future I had dreamt for myself. The landscape is vast, and I have miles to go before I can sleep. But I will embark on the journey with no past baggage, a smile on my lips & a finger raised to anyone who wants to limit our possibilities or detract us. Our body, our lives, our rules!!!!!
So let’s dump a drum of oil into the dark depths & light them up with fire, passion & knowledge. And lets march on… as we always do… through a mine field of adversity … cause we will triumph in the end.