Every so often, I like taking time off, to hibernate, to unplug, to exist in my own head. I like filling my time with books, travels, new culture, people, studying up on subjects that I had NEVER consciously thought of or been interested in before.
I haven’t blogged in a while but that was not for lack of trying. I seem to be having technical difficulty with accessing wordpress from my home. It’s irritating in a way but obviously not strongly enough for me to have already resolved it. Maybe it’s just that it wasn’t high enough in my things-to-get-done list.
So here I am … towards the end of yet another year that has nearly passed. I had actively refrained from making any specific new year’s resolution and had instead reaffirmed my desire to live my life true to myself and to cultivate more relationships filled with honesty, integrity and loyalty. I wanted to practice more compassion, empathy and self-love. And that last one is a tricky one too. I have closed the door on relationships that took away more than they added. I emptied my plates of mindless activities so I could actively concentrate more on the one’s that truly matter to me.
At the same time, with more people in my known circle dropping dead (literally) from heart attacks, strokes or accidents, this year has shown me again that life is wayyyyy too short. The more I emptied my life of the negatives, the more space there was for the positives to expand and I have loved it. The old adage of “if you hate it, change it and if you can’t change it, then accept it” works. But only up to a certain point and not all changes are possible by everyone at any given moment in time.
2016 has been an interesting year. I have learnt diplomacy of the kind that tells people to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to getting there 🙂 I have learnt that ‘no’ is a complete answer, it doesn’t require explanations. I have learnt that if you really hate going to work, its much better to quit ASAP so you can preserve your enthusiasm and sail forth with new energy.
There is going to be change after this period of withdrawal and reflection – on both personal and professional level. Like a caterpillar weaving a cocoon to retreat into, I am emptying myself and my life. The whole process of purging has been incredibly freeing.
So here’s to another few months of silence 🙂 For my reader’s … here’s my wish for you ….. may you find the time and the chance to withdraw into quiet reflection too 🙂
Things we would say aloud if we didn’t have to constantly filter:
- In response to constant whiners – Who the f**k died and left you custodian of the world’s problem?
- Procrastinators – Stop f***ing around and just get on with it already.
- To sympathy mongers – do I look like I care? is my face not reflecting my true feelings for your problems yet?
- To constant loaners – do I look like a bank to you? this ATM is closed, the branch is closed, in fact this bank just went out of business.
- People who complain about food –
- “eat up, God knows there’s enough people in the world who aren’t even getting this”.
- If you don’t like it, why didn’t you just cook yourself?
- Men who imply PMS’ing as the reason for female irritation
- Nope, we just have allergic reaction to assholes.
- That? that’s just a spontaneous reaction to your bullshit.
- People who say things like “you have changed” in an accusatory tone:
- I am playing by new rules now.
- Oh yeah, my level of tolerance for your BS just hit zero.
- The minute you hit your 20’s, all your friends relationship goals are to get or stay married. Our relationship goal?
- to be able to fart in front of my beau and I can’t wait for five years of marriage & a kid to be able to do that.
- to eat what I want, when I want, wherever I want without worrying about getting the food on the furniture.
- To walk around the house, naked, with my tummy sticking out without worrying about looking good to another person.
- When people ask about relationship status –
- in love with my bed, I can hardly wait to get back to it at the end of every day.
- in a relationship with myself. I still haven’t figured this one out.
- why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free?
- divorced – I finally scored the “get out of jail” card.
- Why would I want to deliberately dedicate my life to the whims of an over-grown toddler/damsel in distress?
- I haven’t found a NOT mama’s boy yet.
- To so-called friends who only turn up to hold pity parties – “oh, are we holding a pity-party here? I didn’t know that. So excuse me while I freely dis-invite myself from it”.
What would you say if you didn’t have to filter out your knee-jerk reactions?
I love how during the worst of times, the best of humanity always seems to shine through.
Issa Rae (photo via Facebook.com)
article by Lori Lakin Hutcherson (@lakinhutcherson)
According to theurbandaily.com, Issa Rae, star and creator of The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl and the upcoming HBO series Insecure, in an effort to take positive action after the police shooting of Alton Sterling in Baton Rouge, Louisiana earlier this week, started a scholarship fund for his children. t not only exceeded its $200,000 goal within hours, it is currently at over three times that amount, at $664,986.
“Can we get a scholarship fund going 4 #AltonSterling’s son/kids?” she tweeted Wednesday (July 6). “Some of us feel helpless when these things happen, but that’s a small step.”
Sterling, a 37-year-old father of five, was fatally shot by police…
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Snippet of a conversation I had last month which lingered on my mind:
A female relative (who will remain unnamed) meets me after a long time and says to me “I always tell my daughter to be like you. I use you as an example of who she should become. She should be less like me and more like you to be successful in life”.
And the only response that I came up with at that time was “I get what you want for her but are YOU ready to pay the price for her change?”
You see, in a society where patriarchal norms dictate the majority of choices that women are allowed to make, to choose to be independent is not easy. To choose to put your career first is not only frowned on, but actively discouraged. The average woman may have a job but to have a career -that she puts her time, attention and energy on, that’s inconvenient.
The problem is women themselves are the gate-keepers, the purveyors of these patriarchal norms that limit choices and options. When a woman succeeds against all odds, a high number of those in opposition will be women.
To be independent, to be free to make her own choices, is to also be willing to let go of these bonds that hold us back instead of propelling us forward and THAT perhaps is the hardest job of all. To a mother it feels like a betrayal when her daughter decides that she does not want to make the same choices that her mother did, because she aspires for different things in life. To a sister, it might feel like competition, what was good for her is not good enough. To in-laws, its a hallmark of how poorly the woman has been educated by her family on her duties and responsibilities as a wife and daughter-in-law.
These are not easy hurdles to overcome. They are not impossible either. However this transformation of going from someone who complies with all, to someone who lives by his or her own standard is not a straight or easy road. Its full of dark twists and turns and soul-wracking decisions. A complete uprooting of all that one believes in, before one becomes something more.
In the end worthy as it is – sometimes the jagged edges of those cut-off ties will come back to haunt, to cast a shadow on an otherwise sunny day. And it’s in those moments that her daughter will need her to stand by her and validate her choices with her support.
This transformation is a choice and I hope she has the courage to make it for the sake of her daughter.
EXACTLY how I feel! And it’s not just the father’s letter which makes my blood boil but the way his mother wrote about how she cannot decorate a new home because she can’t put up happy family pictures. REALLY????
What about the fact that a girl will forever be scarred by her son’s “20 minute of action”? or that She will NEVER again be the same no matter what happens because he redecorated her life with nightmares?
Such callous disregard for the victim. Such horrible human beings. I am disgusted!
I had another post scheduled for today, but this is more pressing.
I actually wrote this post last night, and decided to sleep on it in an effort to determine whether or not it was something I actually wanted to speak to. I can still feel my blood boiling as I sit here pressing publish, but when bullshit happens out in the world, and it hits close to home, and you have a platform, you react. You speak up. You contribute. You hope that somebody, somewhere, is (rather unfortunately) feeling what you’re feeling. So if you’re here, and you’ve read the title of this post, I can only assume you are as furious as I am.
In case you missed it, on Thursday, after originally facing 14 years in prison, Brock Turner was sentenced to a pitiful six months in county jail for viciously assaulting a young woman and for…
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There was a time when I said ‘yes’ to almost everything that I was requested for or felt was expected of me. Then came a time when I had to learn to say ‘no’. That lesson was a hard one to learn, to balance between self-care and being selfish. Then came a time when that too got easier as I figured out the things that I wanted to say ‘yes’ to in my life and the stuff that I no longer care about… the ‘no’s if you please.
Most people struggle with that. How do you say ‘no’ when you feel obligated? when the obligations are familial? cultural? or part of part of your corporate environment? What happens when you want to say ‘no’ but can’t because you know that the repercussion will be one that will be hard to handle?
But what happens when you are constantly saying ‘yes’ to everything? The activities and obligations that take up all your time and energy, are they enriching your life? or just draining you? or are you drifting through life, wading through a sea of obligations, wondering when it will be your turn to live your own life?
So, tell me, what are you saying ‘yes’ to today?
“It matters because we’ve all had heroes, and in an age where athletes, celebrities, and musicians are these untouchable forces on pedestals, young girls look at Misty Copeland and think, “Hey! She looks just like me!” It matters because entire life courses have been altered due to the belief that our weaknesses overshadow our strengths, and WE have let this happen without accepting that one cannot exist without the other.
That’s true for both genders.
Imagine if Misty Copeland had said, “I get it. I don’t look like a “typical ballerina”. I guess I should go do something else with my undeniable talent and potential.”
Yeah. Let that blow your mind.”
When two members of senior management at GYK Antler approached me with an opportunity to speak with Digiday about Misty Copeland’s partnerships ranging from Under Armour to Barbie, why brands were seeking her out, and why it matters at all, my first instinct was, “HELL YEAH!”
I am a woman who has worked in advertising for the last five years. I have witnessed agencies and brands alike pull appalling stunts on behalf of women. But honestly, I (initially) said yes because I just love Misty Copeland. She’s a rock star.
For those of you who aren’t familiar, or have been living under a rock, Misty Copeland is a professional ballerina who grew up in poverty, spent her childhood not knowing where she was going to sleep, if she was going to eat, and dancing to Mariah Carey to keep her spirits up. Oh yeah, and she had no experience in ballet until…
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Love how well she has managed to capture the fine line between not giving a fuck to caring about the one’s who really matter. End of the day, ‘treat people as they treat you’ is what I stick to 🙂
I’ve had the same 5 or so best friends most of my life. I’ve also met a few people in the last couple of years who have come into my life and changed it for the better. Collectively, this is a tribe of girlfriends whom I know would still support me if I woke up one morning and decided I just had to be the next global pop sensation. I mean they would DEFINITELY try to drag me out of the studio by my ponytail and talk me out of it (bless!), but they’d also be the first, and only ones at my concert.
That’s important. Because from how big you mess up to how big you make it, it’s critical to have friends who have your back regardless.
I also have a group of people I see super casually, and it’s GREAT when we run into each other. It’s usually in groups…
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I have stood here, at the edge of the cliff a million times before. At the edge of darkness, of madness, looking into the dark depth of the human soul. The selfishness & greed that drives people to treat humans like objects and objects like precious possessions. Conventional wisdom fails me. I don’t get how any body can be that inconsiderate or self-centered to justify or rationalize their behavior or conduct. It sickens me, angers me…. My head is on fire, full of disgust & icky feelings. Some people I would rather puke on, then be polite to.
Yet I can’t.
I was brought up in a way that certain teachings (right or wrong) were drummed into me from a very young age. I am the eldest, so I will have to be extra-vigilant, forgiving, loving, giving. I am born a woman, so nurturing is expected of me. I am expected to give and to keep on giving long after I have sold my soul & emptied my coffers.
I am expected to jump through hoops, to endure trial by fire, to be considered worthy. My value & how much I will be found worthy of love depends on me, on how many tests I pass. How much I can endure & then some more.
Last week we were on a field trip and I met girls married off as early as 12 and told to start producing kids so they can settle into the new family. I have talked to girls who needed emergency medical care but their concerns were brushed aside with comments like… Woman have been having children just fine since the dark ages.
There’ something really fucked up in this world when we demand & coarse children into having more children. When the permanence of a marriage depends on her ability to produce heirs for the family line to continue. Children who go on to become her responsibility to feed, clothe & care for, while her husband washes his hands off the rigors of child rearing.
There’s something fucked up about the mentality that your worthiness in the eyes of your own parents, siblings become directly correlated with your ability to put up with abusive relationship in order to remain married in the eyes of the society. Of when relationships are acknowledged, measured & valued based on the size of your cash contribution to fill everyone’s need but your own.
At the edge of the cliff I look deeply into the human soul & I hear a soft voice saying ‘no more’. I am done. I have walked away & walked into peaceful existence. There is no place for your filthy, selfish ways anymore. I do not have a moment more to waste on you and neither do I want to. Your chapters in the book of my life are over.
I am looking outward now, into the future I had dreamt for myself. The landscape is vast, and I have miles to go before I can sleep. But I will embark on the journey with no past baggage, a smile on my lips & a finger raised to anyone who wants to limit our possibilities or detract us. Our body, our lives, our rules!!!!!
So let’s dump a drum of oil into the dark depths & light them up with fire, passion & knowledge. And lets march on… as we always do… through a mine field of adversity … cause we will triumph in the end.