Doing exactly what I am not suppose to do … breaking the rules

Why does that happen I wonder? You know ever had those days or maybe months even when you end up doing exactly what you are not suppose to do?

My doctor told me to avoid red meat, or at least to cut down on it since my cholesterol was a tad high earlier this year. I declined medicine to tackle the problem and agreed to cut down to about twice a week max on red meat. What do I do? Immediately for the next two days I ate red meat. You heard me. I did exactly what the doctor told me NOT to do. And seven months later I am still struggling with my craving for red meat. I HATE white meat, you heard me, I really don’t like it, no matter which way it’s prepared. Give me a plate of red meat any day! Or maybe I can switch to prawns and lobsters, oh.. hang on.. aren’t those high on cholesterol too? I have to admit though that I have been more conscious about adding more fish to my meals, not yet up to the level where I wouldn’t feel guilty about having red meat though.

I have this stubborn streak. I like doing things that I am told I shouldn’t be doing. You know like taking on a high stress job that apparently women are not suited for? traveling alone cause it’s too risky? Aiming for a six-figure salary at a time when everyone else was settling for getting no raise on the job, cause the industry is in a downturn? So I know that doing what you are told NOT to do is NOT always a bad thing. In fact it could be really good for you (or your soul). Fall in love, madly, even if you know that the heartbreak would hurt like hell. Really is there any other way to live? except whole heartedly in this very moment itself?

When I was REALLY young, I was really good at following rules. Keep your head down, work hard at your studies, be a good girl and good things will come to you in life – kind of good. And then life happened, or shit happened and being good no longer felt good. It required too much silence, too many compromises, it chipped away at my soul until there was nothing left. So I rebelled and I thought I was doing it to fight back against the injustice of the world, except that I was doing all the things I was told NOT to do. Since I played the game on both sides, ultimately I did end up with a better sense of who I was – really was – on the inside, at my very core. Fast forward a couple of decades and I thought I found a nice balance. Push the envelope a bit but nothing drastic. Learn the rules of the game really well before you decide to break or bend them. That kind of being balanced worked for me for a while.

Now I find myself on the edge again. Wanting to break out, break some ceilings, some new boundaries. I’m restless for new challenges, to be told that I can’t do certain things just so I can do them. To be challenged and to rise to the challenge is perhaps what I find most addictive. That’s a negative word but not when it’s in a positive challenge. So last year, I had challenged myself to grow, and my Masters in Development Studies finishes this month. So for this year or for what’s left of the rest of it, I am thinking to challenge myself to consolidate – get healthier, travel more, spend more time with friends, read more books, meet new people, experience new culture. I think that’s already quite a tall order for four months, so let’s see how this one goes. Or maybe if I tell myself that I can’t do any of these, then I will actually go out and do them ;) 

And this book just went at the top of my reading list:

Posted on August 5, 2015, in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. 1 Comment.

  1. I love your thoughts & this post! I’m so timid in my life that it’s inspiring to read that you’ve done these things, perhaps in rebellion, at first, but to keep challenging yourself to grow & be in your life, not merely watch it pass by. I challenge you to not do any of the things you wrote for the rest of the year… ;-P
    Cheers, Arman!🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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