“Pamela Meyer: How to spot a liar”
I stumbled on this talk quite by accident this morning and that too after a heated exchange with someone whose lies I was simply not buying. This person is not lying to me, he is lying to himself. He is lying because he has no idea what he really wants or maybe he thinks that he can’t get what he wants with the truth. The argument was heated because I have no space for half-truths and disguised intentions in my life anymore and I do not wish to control the reins of someone else’s life whether explicitly or implicitly.
I have said this before and I will say it again – we lie to ourselves far more often than we lie to others.
We lie to justify our actions. We lie to close the gap between what really is and what we wish it was. We lie because reality is too painful to digest as it is. We lie to sweeten our conversations. We lie to smooth over ruffled feathers. We lie because we want to tell the other person what we think they want to hear. We lie because we want to blame someone else for our actions – subconsciously. We lie because we perceive that we have no control over our life, so we need to cajole the people around us to give us what we want by telling them whatever they want to hear, whatever will sweeten the deal for them to give us what we want.
In all of these interactions, we essentially handover the power that we have over our own lives – to someone else.
We do this not only by deceiving ourselves but by deceiving others when we use words and sentences like “I will do what you want”, “whatever you want, however you want it, is the way its going to be”. Why do I call this deceit? Because when the chips fall and what you get is not what you want, you will then use these same sentences to place the blame of your failure on the other person’s shoulder. You did what they wanted but they failed to do what you wanted/needed etc regardless of whether they want to take that responsibility or not. It’s a covert way of placing the responsibility somewhere else other than ourselves.
“Lying is a cooperative act. A lie has no power by its mere utterance. Its power emerges when someone else agrees to believe the lie.”
The truth may not be easy – to either dish out to ourselves or others but it really does set us free.
Deception is actually serious business.This con man, Henry Oberlander, he was such an effective con man, British authorities say he could have undermined the entire banking system of the Western world. And you can’t find this guy on Google; you can’t find him anywhere. He was interviewed once, and he said the following. He said, “Look, I’ve got one rule. “And this was Henry’s rule, he said,”Look, everyone is willing to give you something. They’re ready to give you something for whatever it is they’re hungry for.” And that’s the crux of it.If you don’t want to be deceived, you have to know, what is it that you’re hungry for? And we all kind of hate to admit it. We wish we were better husbands, better wives, smarter, more powerful, taller, richer –the list goes on. Lying is an attempt to bridge that gap, to connect our wishes and our fantasies about who we wish we were, how we wish we could be, with what we’re really like. And boy are we willing to fill in those gaps in our lives with lies.
While you may be tempted to use these on others, the reason I am sharing this video is to enable us to spot the lies that we tell ourselves. The lies in our heads, the justifications we give for our actions. The half-truths and outright lies that rob us of the power to design our own authentic life. Our inner thoughts have more control over our actions and thereby our life, then we realize.
When you realize that, you become the master of your own destiny.